Allow me to hum a few bars of this messed-up tale:

What if you could have someone legally declared a dick?  Simon Bellerophon does just that!  When pain in the ass Horne Shaw pushes him too far, Simon sues to have him branded a dick…and wins, in the craziest court case ever.  But that’s just the beginning of this out-there, in-your-face comedy!  When an anti-dick movement tries to stamp out all dicks, Horne leads a dick pride movement that takes the world by storm.  The dicks get their own TV show (THE DICK LIFE), drum up an anti-”pussy” campaign, and kick off their own Dickapalooza musicfest.  But the wildest action explodes in Bermuda, at the First Annual International Dicklympics.  Simon tries to regain the upper hand by sabotaging the Running of the Dicks, but he and Horne fall prey to the man who wants the title of World’s Biggest Dick:  General Mobai.  Will Simon and Horne survive the fight of their lives, or will this true dictator cut them down to size?  Will Simon have to become a dick himself in order to rise from the ashes?  And where does the prehistoric dog-thing come in?  Hold on tight for the laugh out loud ride of your life!

If you love TV shows like Family Guy and South Park, websites like Funny Or Die, or movies like The Hangover, you’ll love DICKS.  In the words of Neil Innes of MONTY PYTHON’S FLYING CIRCUS, THE RUTLES, and the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band, “DICKS is fun.  What’s in a name?  Ah, there’s the rub…”

Don’t miss the uncut version of this twisted comedy, available here from Tsetse Press for the first time anywhere.  Welcome to the latest nutty novel from Robert T. Jeschonek, the lunatic who brought you THE LOVE QUEST OF SMIDGEN THE SNACK CAKE, BLAZING BODICES, and THE GREATEST SERIAL KILLER IN THE UNIVERSE.  It’s the perfect mind-freak yuk-fest to enjoy alongside your favorite six-pack while reruns of Seinfeld or Family Guy play in the background.

I hope you’ll check out this podcast story right here at Theme and Variations.  Be sure to check out the other stories, too.  It’s a cool project full of cool ideas and music.  In fact, “Dionysus Dying” features music by saxophonist Doug Longwill of Altoona, Pennsylvania.  I think you’ll agree that Doug did a fantastic job capturing the mood of the story and moving things along with his own improvisational solos.  Drop by http://www.themeandvariationsanthology.com and enjoy the show.  See you soon!

This is the cover image for Justice Society of America 80-Page Giant 2010 #1, coming soon from DC Comics.  Why is it significant?  Because this comic is scheduled to feature one of my stories:  “Unstoppable,” featuring Jesse Quick (the super-speedster in the forefront of the cover image).  You can pre-order here or order a copy from your local comic book dealer.  The book is due to appear in stores this October!

So there you have it!  Some pretty exciting news!  The Justice Society of America (JSA for short) are some of my all-time favorite comic book characters, so it’s been a real thrill writing a story in their universe.  I hope you’ll grab a copy in October and check it out!  See you soon!

Finally, the day came when that splendid fragment of toast was reduced to the size of an aspirin.  Runion could no longer nibble bits of it with his front teeth or scrape off the dust of its crust to dab up with his tongue.  This was a full three months after he’d been on the verge of running out of toast, yet still did Runion hesitate to finish the deed.  For the state of being almost but not quite out of toast had become a kind of rapture to him.  He had become addicted to the in-betweeness of it, the almost-but-not-quiteness.  But that very state had been predicated on his daily enjoyment of samples of the makeshift sacrament.  He knew he needed to taste the toast to sustain the divine nirvana, though tasting it would destroy it.

Fortunately, he came up with a novel solution.  He placed the toast on his tongue, closed his mouth…then gave the signal to the staff of the Freeze You cryogenic center.  They turned on the freezing gas, which placed Runion in a state of suspended animation, still with the tiny bit of toast resting undigested on the tip of his tongue.  In this way, Runion guaranteed himself a perpetual state of bliss as he continued to enjoy the toast and dread running out of it…and this state would continue for a very long time.  Until his bank account ran dry, at least.  And that, in itself, would add to his state of anticipating running out of something precious.  So life was very good for Runion Maelstorm.

I know there will be battles ahead as I strive to keep the flow going.  I’ve been down this road before, and I know it isn’t always smooth.  But at least I’ve jumped the first hurdle.  And my mission for tomorrow is clear:  I must put my butt in the chair and keep it there until words appear on the page.  And hopefully, by the end of September at the latest (end of August if I’m inspired), I will have a finished novel.  And that, my friend, is something devoutly to be wished for.  That is a goal that keeps the butt in the chair and the fingers on the keys when other forces seek to keep my butt elsewhere.  Because writing one more novel means I’ll have many more chances to sell a novel.  So keep the good vibrations coming, and let’s help that new novel take shape.  See you soon!

But Desdemona was the first to bring Nil Fiction to life.  This new form of literary expression entailed a complete absence of words.  The negative space thus created implied vast meanings by its very nonexistence, by its lack of even a title.

Desdemona’s first work went like this:________________________________.  The End.

She performed it for a group of non-literate types on the front steps of the local library, and they flipped.  Soon, writers across the country were jumping on the bandwagon, composing great nonexistent masterpieces that focused on their deepest feelings and artistic expressions.  The longer they stood and stared intently without saying anything, the better they were rated by the critics.  Soon, their works were optioned by Hollywood, and movies consisting of a blank screen for two hours did blockbuster business.

It was all about the negative space, telling a story without saying anything at all.  And somehow, it worked.  Nil fiction was the ultimate evolution of storytelling, the perfect synthesis of human creative power and interaction.  Readers and listeners could fill the void with their own stories that reflected their own experience and concerns.

But the success of Nil fiction wasn’t enough for Desdemona.  As we all know, she went on to create a literary form that was even more compact and popular than the Nil.  A form that has exploded around the world.  This form involves individuals living out stories of their own existences, complete with strange characters, vivid settings, and unpredictable plot twists.  These stories can last for years, even for decades.  Reportedly, they’re more three-dimensional and satisfying than novels or stories or flash fiction or drabbles.  They’re more believable and memorable than other literary forms.

Desdemona calls them daily lives.