The Fictioneer

Posted By admin on August 22, 2010

My new e-book, Dicks, is now on sale for the Kindle e-reader!  It’s an adults-only comedy and a wild ride, and I hope you’ll check it out right here.  If you don’t own a Kindle, I’ll have Dicks up for sale in other formats in just a day or two.  I’ll announce it soon.  Here’s the cover, by the one and only David Reddick:

Allow me to hum a few bars of this messed-up tale:

What if you could have someone legally declared a dick?  Simon Bellerophon does just that!  When pain in the ass Horne Shaw pushes him too far, Simon sues to have him branded a dick…and wins, in the craziest court case ever.  But that’s just the beginning of this out-there, in-your-face comedy!  When an anti-dick movement tries to stamp out all dicks, Horne leads a dick pride movement that takes the world by storm.  The dicks get their own TV show (THE DICK LIFE), drum up an anti-”pussy” campaign, and kick off their own Dickapalooza musicfest.  But the wildest action explodes in Bermuda, at the First Annual International Dicklympics.  Simon tries to regain the upper hand by sabotaging the Running of the Dicks, but he and Horne fall prey to the man who wants the title of World’s Biggest Dick:  General Mobai.  Will Simon and Horne survive the fight of their lives, or will this true dictator cut them down to size?  Will Simon have to become a dick himself in order to rise from the ashes?  And where does the prehistoric dog-thing come in?  Hold on tight for the laugh out loud ride of your life!

If you love TV shows like Family Guy and South Park, websites like Funny Or Die, or movies like The Hangover, you’ll love DICKS.  In the words of Neil Innes of MONTY PYTHON’S FLYING CIRCUS, THE RUTLES, and the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band, “DICKS is fun.  What’s in a name?  Ah, there’s the rub…”

Don’t miss the uncut version of this twisted comedy, available here from Tsetse Press for the first time anywhere.  Welcome to the latest nutty novel from Robert T. Jeschonek, the lunatic who brought you THE LOVE QUEST OF SMIDGEN THE SNACK CAKE, BLAZING BODICES, and THE GREATEST SERIAL KILLER IN THE UNIVERSE.  It’s the perfect mind-freak yuk-fest to enjoy alongside your favorite six-pack while reruns of Seinfeld or Family Guy play in the background.

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Posted By admin on August 12, 2010

Now you can listen to one of my stories as a podcast!  “Dionysus Dying” is available as part of the Theme and Variations audio anthology.  This is the second edition of the anthology, which is dedicated to musical themes.  “Dionysus Dying,” read by yours truly, is a jazz tale about two fallen stars who come together to save the life of a woman who’s destined to die.  It goes like this:  Jazz star Bobby Ball sees the future when he plays his sax.  The music of his dying idol, Omar, throws open the door to tomorrow, but Bobby doesn’t like what he sees.

I hope you’ll check out this podcast story right here at Theme and Variations.  Be sure to check out the other stories, too.  It’s a cool project full of cool ideas and music.  In fact, “Dionysus Dying” features music by saxophonist Doug Longwill of Altoona, Pennsylvania.  I think you’ll agree that Doug did a fantastic job capturing the mood of the story and moving things along with his own improvisational solos.  Drop by http://www.themeandvariationsanthology.com and enjoy the show.  See you soon!

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Posted By admin on August 1, 2010

Now the truth can be told!  I’ve been keeping this news under wraps until I was sure it would pan out, but at last it’s time to lift the curtain!  Here’s a clue:

This is the cover image for Justice Society of America 80-Page Giant 2010 #1, coming soon from DC Comics.  Why is it significant?  Because this comic is scheduled to feature one of my stories:  “Unstoppable,” featuring Jesse Quick (the super-speedster in the forefront of the cover image).  You can pre-order here or order a copy from your local comic book dealer.  The book is due to appear in stores this October!

So there you have it!  Some pretty exciting news!  The Justice Society of America (JSA for short) are some of my all-time favorite comic book characters, so it’s been a real thrill writing a story in their universe.  I hope you’ll grab a copy in October and check it out!  See you soon!

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Posted By admin on July 27, 2010

Last month, I started writing a long-planned mystery novel.  Built up quite a head of steam, too…but then other tasks interrupted that project.  One task, in particular, absolutely couldn’t wait:  I had to complete extensive revisions to another novel by the end of the month in order to stay on schedule for a 2011 publication date.  But now that I’ve finished those revisions, I desperately want to climb back on the horse and get the mystery novel rolling again.  It’s been a bit of a struggle, though; I had a certain mindset in place while writing the first 150 pages, and it’s taking some effort to reestablish that mental framework.  I know I shouldn’t worry, since I’ve only been trying to get started for two days now…but I’m still a little rattled.  There’ve been some non-writing events happening, too, that have left me spinning and distracted.  Hopefully, I can get all the ducks lined up and quacking in just the right way really soon…possibly, preferably tomorrow.  Because doggone it, I can’t wait to see how that mystery novel comes out.  And, especially, I can’t wait to start shopping it around to publishers.  That’s where the process becomes even more fun and challenging.  My goal is to make that happen by September, right around the time when the publishing world starts throttling up to full gear again for the fall season.  See you soon!

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Posted By admin on June 25, 2010

Runion Maelstorm knew he was about to run out of toast, which was one of his biggest fears, so he made the final slice last.  He took tiny bites around the edges every day, the smallest nibbles he could manage.  That way, he got to enjoy the fabulous taste of his toast for a full week longer than if he’d eaten it all at once.  Then, the full week turned into a full month.  By the end of that month, all that was left was a smidgen of toast the size of a postage stamp.  Runion kept it in a Tupperware container and carried it with him everywhere he went…from his kitchen to his bathroom to his bedroom to his condo in Monaco.

Finally, the day came when that splendid fragment of toast was reduced to the size of an aspirin.  Runion could no longer nibble bits of it with his front teeth or scrape off the dust of its crust to dab up with his tongue.  This was a full three months after he’d been on the verge of running out of toast, yet still did Runion hesitate to finish the deed.  For the state of being almost but not quite out of toast had become a kind of rapture to him.  He had become addicted to the in-betweeness of it, the almost-but-not-quiteness.  But that very state had been predicated on his daily enjoyment of samples of the makeshift sacrament.  He knew he needed to taste the toast to sustain the divine nirvana, though tasting it would destroy it.

Fortunately, he came up with a novel solution.  He placed the toast on his tongue, closed his mouth…then gave the signal to the staff of the Freeze You cryogenic center.  They turned on the freezing gas, which placed Runion in a state of suspended animation, still with the tiny bit of toast resting undigested on the tip of his tongue.  In this way, Runion guaranteed himself a perpetual state of bliss as he continued to enjoy the toast and dread running out of it…and this state would continue for a very long time.  Until his bank account ran dry, at least.  And that, in itself, would add to his state of anticipating running out of something precious.  So life was very good for Runion Maelstorm.

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Posted By admin on June 23, 2010

Smidgen the Snack Cake is now a podcast!  That’s right: the wickedest snack cake around has hit the podcast big time.  My story, “The Love Quest of Smidgen the Snack Cake,” is featured on Escape Pod episode 242, which you can link to right here.  If you give it a listen, I know you won’t be sorry!  The editor and host, Mur Lafferty, does a great job of setting up the story…and the voice actor, John Cmar, does a truly incredible job of interpreting the story.  I laughed out loud a bunch of times at his expert delivery…and I wrote the doggone story!  So please go check out Smidgen’s first podcast.  That li’l ol’ snack cake would love it if you’d give him a listen.  See you soon.

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Posted By admin on June 13, 2010

Finally!  After months of working on shorter projects galore, I have finally put my nose to the grindstone and gotten started on a new novel!  It wasn’t easy, either.  There were lots of voices clamoring in my head, trying to warp the process.  Fear and his pals kept trying to drive me from the keyboard.  Distractions aplenty popped up and down like Wac-a-Moles, crying for my attention.  But I did what writers must always do if they have any hope of producing output:  I put my butt in the chair and kept it there until words appeared on the page.  And my next novel, thankfully, got rolling.

I know there will be battles ahead as I strive to keep the flow going.  I’ve been down this road before, and I know it isn’t always smooth.  But at least I’ve jumped the first hurdle.  And my mission for tomorrow is clear:  I must put my butt in the chair and keep it there until words appear on the page.  And hopefully, by the end of September at the latest (end of August if I’m inspired), I will have a finished novel.  And that, my friend, is something devoutly to be wished for.  That is a goal that keeps the butt in the chair and the fingers on the keys when other forces seek to keep my butt elsewhere.  Because writing one more novel means I’ll have many more chances to sell a novel.  So keep the good vibrations coming, and let’s help that new novel take shape.  See you soon!

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Posted By admin on June 12, 2010

And when the sun had beaten down long
Enough, burning every last bit of humanity
Out of his melting head, every bit of everything but
Roasting agony, waves of heat curling off
Distorting the air around him like ripples in a pond,
Marking the life and hope streaming out of him
In silvery capitulation of the equatorial steam,
That was when the rest of us knew we had
Done enough, done our jobs in tearing him down as
Directed by the intuitive power of our genes,
The war for reproduction driving us all to wreck the com
petition, leaving more possible homes for the bio
logical contents of our imaginary treasure troves.  And so
we were left to stand and watch with hearts both light
and heavy, basking and revolted at one and the same time
As the Florida sun cooked him in his skull
Like a lobster in its shell, waiting expectant
ly with drawn butter in hand, savoring the thought of how
Fantastic his flesh his emotions his dreams
Will taste when we sink our teeth and that first squirt of juice
Squirt of flavor squirt of soul passes through
The membrane between his world and our much more
bru
tal
one.

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Posted By admin on June 11, 2010

One night, Desdemona invented a new literary form.  The days of the novel were through; their tens of thousands of words were too long for fleeting attention spans.  Short stories, though a fraction of the length of novels, were also passe.  Flash fiction, even at 500 to 1,000 words, had become a boring slog.  Drabble fiction, too, was a mountain to climb; who could invest the time to read 100 words these days?  Even nanofiction of less than 50 words seemed oh so grueling.

But Desdemona was the first to bring Nil Fiction to life.  This new form of literary expression entailed a complete absence of words.  The negative space thus created implied vast meanings by its very nonexistence, by its lack of even a title.

Desdemona’s first work went like this:________________________________.  The End.

She performed it for a group of non-literate types on the front steps of the local library, and they flipped.  Soon, writers across the country were jumping on the bandwagon, composing great nonexistent masterpieces that focused on their deepest feelings and artistic expressions.  The longer they stood and stared intently without saying anything, the better they were rated by the critics.  Soon, their works were optioned by Hollywood, and movies consisting of a blank screen for two hours did blockbuster business.

It was all about the negative space, telling a story without saying anything at all.  And somehow, it worked.  Nil fiction was the ultimate evolution of storytelling, the perfect synthesis of human creative power and interaction.  Readers and listeners could fill the void with their own stories that reflected their own experience and concerns.

But the success of Nil fiction wasn’t enough for Desdemona.  As we all know, she went on to create a literary form that was even more compact and popular than the Nil.  A form that has exploded around the world.  This form involves individuals living out stories of their own existences, complete with strange characters, vivid settings, and unpredictable plot twists.  These stories can last for years, even for decades.  Reportedly, they’re more three-dimensional and satisfying than novels or stories or flash fiction or drabbles.  They’re more believable and memorable than other literary forms.

Desdemona calls them daily lives.

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Posted By admin on June 10, 2010

You can listen to one of my stories on the Drabblecast podcast!  The story, “Snowman’s Chance in Hell,” is a way-out twisted fable set in the time when snowmen ruled the Earth and built meat-men for entertainment.  The story first appeared earlier this year in Edison’s Frankenstein from PS Publishing in England.  I hope you’ll check out this podcast, which is really a lot of fun.  The host, Norm Sherman, is truly a riot!  Here’s the link.  Be sure to check out Drabblecast 167, now available right here.  See you soon.

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