Mission: Drink Sneakage

Went to the movies today with my brother, Scott, to celebrate his 50th birthday.  Okay, his 40th.  On the way in, bought him a popcorn and drink for his munching and sipping pleasure…but then I figured, why spend another $45.99 for a drink for myself when I had a perfectly good fresh iced tea from Panera Bread out in the car?  So, on the way in, with our purchases in full view, we asked the ticket taking usher if I could bring in a foreign drink.  Honestly, it had been so long since I’d considered such a thing, I didn’t know if there was any rule against it. But there is!  The usher grew instantly nervous and looked around furtively.  “Welll, if you hide it under your c-coat,” he said.  “J-just don’t let my manager see it!”  So, out to the car I went to retrieve my drink.  Unfortunately, I hadn’t gotten a lid at Panera, so it was kind of precarious.  But I decided, at considerable risk to life and limb, to give it a try.

Balancing the drink under my nice suede coat, hoping I didn’t experience any spillage, I hustled back into the theater building.  Then, a moment of shock and terror!  The kid’s manager was right there at the ticket station!  What to do?  If I stopped to show my ticket, the drink would be visible!  Would I be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, or simply punished gangland style in the back room of the Badda Bing?

Heart pounding, I decided to run the gauntlet.  I rushed past them both, hoping the drink didn’t show or spill.  For one maddening instant, I thought I heard a furious voice roaring behind me: “Stop in the name of the overpriced concessions law!”

But no one was chasing me.  I slipped into the auditorium unnoticed, found my seat beside my brother, and relaxed.  I’d done it!  Flouted the ridiculously overpriced theater’s inane policies!  And without spillage!  Reaching for the tea, I took a nice, long sip and grinned as I swallowed.  Yes, the sun was hot over Barcelona today.  And yes, the bull’s horns had been very sharp.  But when the bull had taken my measure as a man, I had not been found wanting.  I drank.  And felt the sweet stab of life prickle through me like a million shooting stars in the Kilimanjaro night.

See you soon.

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