Ready for something completely different? You know those family newsletters you sometimes get in Christmas cards? Well, here’s one I whipped up a few years ago…a spoof newsletter updating the doings of what has to be one of the most oddball families ever. So in the spirit of the season, here it is! Enjoy…and Merry Christmas from the Fictioneer, Pie Press, and all the way cool e-books available right here and on all your new e-reading devices. Ho ho ho!
Happy Holidays! Welcome to the annual Christmas Card Family Doin’s Form Letter!
Well! It sure has been a busy, busy, busy year! It hardly seems possible that we’re already at another Christmas season…but here we are! And it’s a good thing, too! Christmas is always a good thing!
Last year at this time, you may recall, Junebug and Capulet had just returned from their expedition! They never did find Bigfoot…but they came across something even more wonderful! That’s right — love! Those crazy kids went native in the woods near Seattle, then threw caution to the wind and joined a group marriage outside of Salt Lake City. Two of the six wives are kind of scary sometimes, but Junebug couldn’t be happier! As for Capulet — he finally has enough women to keep him in line! His days of heroin addiction are over and done with! Hurrah!
Junior’s latest birthday came and went without incident. The next day was another story, though! Can you believe it? 56 yeas old, and they still had to take him away in leg irons! Didn’t stop him from taking down four of them with extreme prejudice, though! Same old Junior…
Pip and Flit have had the best year ever! Deciding that wishing was better than doing, the two rascals spent 10 months holed up in their burrow under the roots of Mama Sizzle’s hickory tree…and what do you know, it worked like a charm! Every wish came true, every last one! Of course, they only wished for what mattered most, and seein’ as there’s plenty of love and friendship to go around in Nibblekins Hollow, wishes comin’ true wasn’t all that far-fetched after all!
Stickman is certainly in the pink, thanks to his lawsuit and secret surgery. You wouldn’t know to look at him.
Dizzy has a long way to go, but you know her! She won’t quit till fourth grade is a thing of the past! Her seven teenaged children are the most encouraging angels you’ve ever seen, especially Nodaddy and Lovechild. When Dizzy’s down in the mouth, the seven kids dance like Indians, and she perks right up. Jack Daniels does his part, too.
John Thomas is looking up, but we don’t think it will last.
Old Simple has beaten the hiccups, and his weight problem is finally under control. He’s already at 350 lbs., and should tip the scale at 400-450 by New Year’s! Join us in rooting for him to reach his target weight of 575 by St. Patrick’s!
Rothschild and Fabersham have finally kissed! Could you just die! It was a matter of some delicacy, accomplished beneath a trellis of hyacinth on a starry August eve in Roquefort. Fabersham still blushes! When next sly Cupid conspires, arranging blossoms and constellations for like enchantment, perhaps they shall — dare we hope? — kiss upon the lips! We’ve crossed our fingers! (Please don’t tell Aunt Goethe or Mr. Jobe the handyman! Double swear it! You must!)
Happy-Go-Lucky had a close shave, but fooled the kidnappers with ventriloquism and a banana. He received a medal but let it go to his head, so we hired the very same kidnappers to beat him within an inch. That took him down a peg.
Tubby keeps trying, but Romewasn’t built in a day. We ask him where he’ll go when the flying saucer is finished, but he just laughs and points straight up. We hear strange noises from the barn at night, but we figure that’s just ‘cause Tubby don’t have a girlfriend.
Buster is full of beans, as you can imagine! He thinks Santa’s using magic to try to tell him something, but Doc Winslow insists there’s a medical reason for the scabs.
Suzy-Q turned some heads with her new hairdo. Everything was fine until Punjab’s post-hypnotic suggestion wore off and she realized she was buck naked!
Radcliffe finished the Grand Tour last month, and had Toblerone for everyone! There’s no place like home, he says, but he means it in a negative sense. We all begged for stories of the Continent, so he recapped episodes of Hogan’s Heroes — but there was one anecdote
about haggling with a male prostitute inLuxembourg. We’re happy to report he’s gone again!
Giblet and Fickle have gone into business! Orders were slow at first, but the sales staff got rid of their finger-puppets and things picked right up. We think it’s surefire and expect a jackpot.
Crawdad seemed bound for passion, until we found out her secret admirer was really her imaginary friend. We think the hoof-and-mouth disease took its toll. Gooey and Steagle made her an offer, but she had her heart set on true love like in the romance novels, so she moved to historic Atlanta and changed her name to Heaving Bosom.
Baby Jasper turned out to be a mutant, but his super powers were limited to mind over matter and filling a diaper with unearthly speed and super-human quantities. We cherish this latest addition to our family, except when the little dickens combines his two
super powers at one and the same time.
Godiva insists that Marxist socio-political theory is still valid, but Spitting Jack says she’s shooting blanks. Poor Little Mistake got in the middle of their last argument, innocently asking if bolshevik’s some kind’a soup, and they both took a swing at her. It’s the Cold War all over again, except with a trailer and beer bottles.
As for me…my ship has come in and it’s about time! When Lulu left, I took a turn, but hate has healing powers! As a psychic friend, I found my calling, except for my one bad day leading to fifteen suicides. My new racket has to do with the laying on of hands, only I enjoy it a little too much.
When I think back over the year, it seems like no time’s passed at all, but maybe that’s because of the alcoholic blackouts. Anyway, I hope you have a good year coming up, only not as good as mine. Please remember me if you win some money or need advice.
Happy Holidays!
